Have you heard of a ‘Swartzweldian?’
Let me tell you a ‘Swartzweldian’ by an actual Swartzweldian.
Remember The Simpsons?
Season Eight.
Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
Homer stands atop a stack of barrels outside a pawn shop and delivers a toast to a gathered crowd: “To alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
That is a ‘Swartzweldian.’
A joke that comes out of nowhere.
A joke that no one else could have written.
A joke that sounds almost as if it were never written and as if it’s always existed.
John Swartzwelder, the reclusive, mysterious, almost mythical comedy writer of all time, was the master of that.
He left The Simpsons almost twenty years, yet he is considered “one of the greatest comedy minds of all time.”
He wrote fifty-nine episodes, more than any other writer in the show’s history. Since leaving the show more than twenty years ago, he has written and self-published thirteen novels.
None of the books run more than a hundred and sixty pages. all are packed, like a dense star, with more material than seems physically possible.
In a rare interview with The New Yorker (he is famously private and rarely grants interviews) he explained why he decided to take the self-publishing route rather than traditional publishing.
“It’s easier, faster, and there are no arguments, because all the decisions are yours. If you want to write your book with multiple misspellings, badly misplaced commas, and juvenile bodily-function jokes, your publisher (that’s you!) is with you a hundred per cent on that. He’ll back you up all the way. It’s the kind of control writers dream of having. Of course, a traditional publisher can arrange book tours for you, which I don’t want to go on anyway, and get your book displayed prominently in bookstores, which don’t exist anymore, and, theoretically, at least, make you more money, which I hate, but those, I think, are sacrifices worth making to have that control.
Now, to be completely honest and truthful with your readers, I have to admit that I did initially try to go the traditional book-publishing route, but after I had drummed my fingers for almost a month waiting for a reply to my query letter, I lost patience and just published it myself. And once I got started, I was hooked.”
John Swartzwelder’s inspirations were Robert Benchley and Steve Allen.
Robert Benchley (a newspaper columnist and film actor) was wonderfully funny when he felt like it, and he didn’t seem to work at all.
All he and his friends seemed to do was play silly games and try to make one another laugh, leaving the party occasionally to type out a Pulitzer Prize-winning story.
After ten years of wasting their talent like this, they had all become rich and famous, won every award you can think of, and created The New Yorker.
John Swartzwelder didn’t miss the lesson: comedy writing was the way to go. Easiest job on the planet.
Steve Allen cemented it. He was effortlessly funny.
And while the normal adults were dragging themselves home from work every night, looking like it was the end of the world, Allen could just sleep all week, roll out of bed on Sunday afternoon, wander over to the studio, and kid around with his friends and the audience and maybe Elvis Presley for an hour. Then it was “Good night, everybody,” and back to bed.
This made quite an impression on John Swartzwelder.
When asked did he still consider comedy writing to be the easiest job on the planet, his response was, “No, sir. I do not.”
You’ve put your finger on it. The biggest appeal of writing is that, theoretically, you can do it anywhere. I pictured myself surfing in Australia while working out the plot of my next blockbuster comedy novel, or mailing in my latest joke from the top of a mountain. That’s how it looked to me when I started. In real life, however, most of the time you have to drag yourself into an office and chain yourself to a desk.
He might have gotten into comedy seeking a lazy career yet he has a reputation is of being one of the most productive comedy writers in television history.
He is particularly good at writing the beginnings of his books. He wastes no time launching into the plot and comedy.
“Well, they found Amelia Earhart. That’s the good news. Unfortunately, they found her in the trunk of my car.” - Dead Men Scare Me Stupid
“Nobody wants to read a book,” says John, “You’ve got to catch their eye with something exciting in the first paragraph, while they’re in the process of throwing the book away. If it’s exciting enough, they’ll stop and read it. Then you’ve got to put something even more exciting in the second paragraph, to suck them in further. And so on. It’s exhausting, but it’s got to be done.”
Coming back to Swartzweldians, here are some I have been collecting:
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.” - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 5: Bart Gets an Elephant
“We like to praise birds for flying, but how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?” - Army Man Ezine
“Your ideas are intriguing to me, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.” - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 8: Mountain of Madness
“You can make fun all you want, but when a zebra talks, people listen.”
“The reason most serial killers are caught is they can’t resist taunting the police by leaving little clues to their identity. That’s a mistake I’m not going to make.” —Ian Maxtone-Graham
“ANNOUNCER: The First Prize Winner of our contest tonight will receive a beautiful vase. The second Prize is a not-so-beautiful vase. Third Prize is the world’s worst vase. And Fourth Prize… death by vase.”
And last but not least…
“Your ideas are intriguing to me, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.” - Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 8: Mountain of Madness
Here are the first three of the science fiction comedy novels featuring slow-witted detective Frank Burly. You know you are in the hands of a master when read the opening paragraph of the first book, The Machine Did It:
Frank Burly is my name. Okay, it’s not my name. I lied about that. My name is Edward R. Torgeson Jr. I changed it for the business. You’ve got to have a tough sounding name if you want people to hire you as a private detective out of a phone book. I chose one that would give prospective clients that idea that I was a burly kind of a man, the kind of man who would have the strenght and endurance to solve their cases for them, and who would be frank with them at all times. Hence the name.
As my stroty opens, I am been punched in the stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way. Most of mine do anyway. The guy who was punching me was a lot vurlier than I was, so it hurt plenty. But I tried to pretent it didn’t bother me at all, that I actually liked it…….
That’s all from me this week.
If you liked this newsletter, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.
Yes, following your own path is more satisfying the being successful by following the traditional path. Me Swarzwelder is amazing. I like The Simpsons more now, after learning more about him.
Thank you for your encoragement. It means a lot.