#198: How To Slay The Enemy Within
And achieve what we truly deserve.
In 2022, I collaborated with a storytelling coach to develop a joint cohort. While he focused on teaching storytelling, my role was to guide participants in turning their narratives into books. I invested six months of effort into the project. However, at the eleventh hour, I backed out.
My excuse? I felt I wasn’t able to dedicate as much time to the cohort as my counterpart. I used my frequent travels as a hindrance, claiming I couldn't commit year-round.
Fast forward two years, and the cohort thrives, now augmented by another individual serving as a book coach.
I had no one else to blame but myself. I didn't know I had the tendency to sabotage my own dreams.
Regrettably, this was not the only time I did it. There's a string of similar stories, too embarrassing to recount here.
We all get in our own way, and for some, like myself, it's a recurring struggle.
What obstacles do you unwittingly place in your own way?
Have you become your own saboteur?
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage manifests as any behaviour that obstructs progress in any aspect of life. It's that pivotal moment when the primary obstacle to your success is none other than you, yourself. Self-sabotage is like an enemy that lives within us to undermine our progress.
According to Psychology Today, self-sabotage often stems from a misguided attempt to shield ourselves from negative emotions. Think of it as your psyche's way of seeking protection when faced with hardships, although, in an ultimately counterproductive manner.
How do we self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is not an act, it's a process. A complex, tragic process that pits people against their own thoughts and impulses. Though we all make mistakes, a true self-saboteur continues to try to fix those mistakes by top-loading them with increasingly bad decisions.
There are various ways in which this unfolds:
Take addicts, for instance; they present a parade of excuses and delusional thinking while avoiding the painful decisive action necessary to set their lives right. All too often, we hear stories of talented individuals, who despite much potential, allowed drugs and alcohol to drag them down.
Indulging in compulsive spending. Shopping when one can't afford the merchandise or trying to save money. Sabotaging your finances is a big one. Have you heard of “I’m spending money I don’t have?” That’s exactly what it means.
Running away from healthy relationships is another form of self-sabotage. Studies have shown that “relationship sabotage stems from goal-oriented defensive strategies influenced by attachment styles.” An avoidant attachment behaviour prompts people to run away from the intimacy they actually desire to experience.
Imposter syndrome. Thinking of yourself as less than your actual value. Feeling out of place in a situation that you’ve worked hard to achieve. Diminishing your true potential because you’re not feeling worthy enough.
Perfectionism. The feeling that you're not good enough, leading to a relentless pursuit of flawlessness in even the smallest details as a means of overcompensation.
Procrastination. When it comes to self-sabotage, procrastination is the king. Why? Because procrastination is the gap between intention and action. And it is in this gap the self operates. The undermining behaviour lies in ‘not’ closing the gap. We make an intention to take action, but when the time comes, instead of taking action, we indulge in deliberations, making excuses to justify an unnecessary and potentially harmful delay.
Who makes the decision to deliberate?
We do.
The self, in fact, sabotaged, its own intention.
Self-sabotage can shows up at strangest of places, usually in doing things we’re not supposed to do.
Comfort eating, especially when you're trying to lose weight.
Self-injury or cutting-yourself to escape painful emotions.
Scrolling through social media for hours.
Isolating yourself from social situations.
Eating loads of junk food.
Going to bed late.
Smoking…
And the list can go on and on.
What causes self-sabotaging behaviour?
People thwart their progress for a variety of reasons. They may do it consciously or unconsciously. For example, someone who's overweight and on a diet might consciously sabotage their good efforts by eating a whole carton of ice cream.
Or they might act unconsciously. A person misses a work deadline. On the surface, it seems like he was running late. But the truth is he’s afraid of failure. He self-sabotages by missing the due date, thus he thwarts his goal to move up in the company.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family can contribute to your acts of self-sabotage. If your parents told you growing up that you’ll never amount to much, maybe you handicap yourself so that you do fall short.
If your ex constantly put you down, you feel vulnerable. Now you’re in a great relationship, but you cheat on your partner. Or break up for no reason. You don’t feel good enough or you fear getting hurt again.
People with a negative self-image and low self-esteem are especially vulnerable to self-sabotaging. They behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves. So, if they are close to succeeding, they become uncomfortable.
They’ve been told all their lives that they’ll fail, or they told themselves that they’d fail, self-sabotaging behaviour would ensure that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People showing cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort in holding two conflicting ideas at the same time also tend to self-sabotage. You are about to land a great client and earn more money than ever before. Rather than do what it takes to propel yourself forward, you hold back because you don’t feel worthy.
You are marrying someone great, but you come from a dysfunctional family. Your dad left, and your mother went from one abusive relationship to another. You, therefore, believe stable, loving marriages don’t exit. Yet, you are continuing to plan the wedding and send invitations.
Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person's ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.
How to slay self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage usually kicks in at the last minute, right before you're actually going to manifest what you desire. If you can stop it, you can massively accelerate forward.
Self-sabotage is our last attempt of our unconscious mind to keep us safe. To keep us in the known. In our comfort zone.
If you can stop it, you can massively accelerate forward.
Fortunately, it is very easy to stop it.
You need to be aware of it.
You need to develop enough self-awareness to your self-sabotage patterns to catch when they are about to click in.
If you can do that you can change them. You can decode them.
Here is a simple exercise to help you with that:
Start by jotting down instances from your past where you've engaged in self-sabotage. Reflect on the ways you've knowingly or unknowingly placed obstacles in your own path.
Next, focus on a current goal you're struggling to achieve. Consider how you might be inclined to thwart your progress. Identify potential pitfalls and ways you could undermine yourself.
Finally, devise a plan for how you'll respond when you recognize yourself slipping into self-sabotaging behaviors. Think about what proactive steps you can take to counteract these tendencies and stay on track towards your goals.
Go deep with your self-sabotage behaviour.
Get clear with it.
Because if you're able to put everything out on the table—here are all the ways I could screw up, here are all my self-sabotage patterns—you’ll not only be catching self-sabotage when it shows up, but you’ll be ready for it.
You’ll be looking for it.
You will be able to cut it off at the curb.
You’ll say to it, "No, you're not going to kick in because I'm not available for that."
“I no longer tolerate these self-sabotage patterns.”
“I no longer tolerate acting like that.”
“I no longer make excuses like that.”
Remember, it's not about NOT having self-sabotage, it is about catching it.
When self-sabotage behaviour appears, it will not be a surprise anymore. You will be actually ready for it. This is how you stop the old self-sabotaging software from running on your unconscious again.
This is how you update your internal software.
This is how you change from the inside out.
This is how you slay the enemy within.
This marks another chapter in my book, "The Power of Small Changes." I'm eager to hear your thoughts on it.
That’s all from me this week.
See you next week.
A million thanks for this piece Neera. I have been guilty of self-sabotage to a great extent.. Your line of introspection actually helped me look into the pattern and find solutions. Thanks again :)
I remember one of my brothers saying to me “You’ve changed” and he was right, I was so used to not being my carefree happy self and constantly saying sorry, when I really didn’t need to, that I finally decided I needed to make my husband realise that the world did not revolve around him. My first step to ensuring that our marriage would be a partnership. There was another time though when I didn’t follow through with a degree relating to Early Childhood Literature that I wanted to do, due to thinking there is no way I can work full time and study, and it was true, but I wasn’t game to ask if I could take that year off work. So there you are, we are all guilty of self sabotage at some time in our lives.